Monday, June 22, 2009

writing haiku, Part 2 of 2

What an amazing response to the first haiku seminar and prompt. You’ve all re-inspired me too and once again I find myself making notes for haiku as well as ‘seeing’ fragments of them throughout the day... just like you, Kay.

The second part of the seminar will ask you to think about writing haiku in a different format, but before we move on to that, let’s just recap on some general aspects of writing haiku:

Economy:
say no more than is absolutely necessary; question the role of every word.
Simplicity:
avoid overstatement, decorative language, explanations.
Significance:
use concrete imagery that is capable of suggesting more than its literal meaning; allow meaning and idea to emerge from the details.
Authenticity:
write from your own experience, your insights, observations, memories.

‘Light touch’ is a good expression to keep in mind as an overall guide to writing haiku - with language, punctuation (is it really needed?) and the effects of line-break.

However, you won’t have to worry about line break in this half of the seminar as we’ll be looking at one line haiku, or single sentence haiku.

Take a look at this one by Jim Kacian, a master of the one line haiku:

a last glint of sunlight from each polished headstone


(originally published by White Lotus, Winter 2006)


When I read this haiku the language propels me (albeit gently) from the beginning to the end of the line. There’s no sense of pause within the line and the image, although divided into two parts (sunlight and gravestone) is all of one thing. It’s the kind of scene that we notice in a split second, with no sense of division, no conscious realisation that we’re aware of the sunlight before we notice it glinting against the stone. A moment perfectly captured.

This ‘oneness’ is what makes it, for me, an effective one line haiku.

Now take a look at another one by w.f. owen:

spring rain drips from the still naked tree

This can be read in two parts:

spring
rain drips from the still naked tree


or as a single sentence with ‘spring rain’ as the subject and ‘drips’ as the verb. And it can also be read with a pause after ‘spring rain’, with drips acting as a noun. But the overall image still feels contained within a single theme. There’s no strong juxtaposition that we were exploring in the phrase and fragment structure.

Here’s one of mine that was published on tiny words last year:

all this green forgiving the rain

I enjoyed playing with different pauses in this haiku: after ‘all this’, or ‘all this green’, or even, ‘all this green forgiving’, but I also wanted the reader to have a single experience of rain and spring time, to be submerged in a single experience, so the one line haiku was a better option than splitting into two or three lines that would direct the reader where to pause.

So, to recap on these one line haiku:

propulsion: language that drives you to the end of the line with the single line seeming essential to what the haiku is saying, what it has captured.
OR
multi-reading: pauses that are not marked through punctuation but which can be applied at different points in the line to suggest different meanings and/or relationships.

You’ll notice that I haven’t attempted to interpret or suggest meaning in either Jim Kacian’s or w.f. owen’s haiku. There are things that they suggest to me but I’d prefer you to have your own responses rather than be influenced by mine.

Haiku are quiet poems and it’s true that we can sometimes feel they’re not saying much, or anything at all. That can be due to the way we read them, or the mood we read them in, or even to our expectations of what they should be doing. And sometimes, it’s just a case of a particular haiku not being the poem for us. But there are plenty more haiku that will speak to us.

I hope you enjoy playing with this form and if you can restrict yourself to posting one at a time that will make it easier for me to respond.

Looking forward to reading your work.

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thanks Lynn for introducing this "one line Haiku". This is fun and challenging. Here is my first attempt:

summer sun if you’d spare some rays to winter

Anonymous said...

The above post is from Lu.

Martin Cordrey said...

under English rain Pistyll Rhaeadr disappears

Martin Cordey said...

asleep the hours continue without me

Martin Cordrey said...

writing haiku in my land of insufficient snowfall

Anonymous said...

divorced photos all turned face down


I find it hard to write, Lynne.

Lu

Anonymous said...

ruby earrings hang from the fuchsia basket

echulme@hotmail.com

Lynne Rees said...

@ LU:

summer sun if you’d spare some rays to winter

Thanks for having a go, Lu. One liners are tricky to capture, though you do have a sense of propulsion along the line with an exhortation for summer to extend itself (or save part of itself) for the drab winter.

Perhaps, though, that exhortation (if I'm reading it correctly) is too dramatic for the simplicity of a haiku?

Also I'm unsure of 'to' winter?

Re your 2nd one:

divorced photos all turned face down

I think this works more effectively. The haiku is 'all of one thing' so the one line feels appropriate, and the possibilities of pausing after 'divorced' or after 'divorced photos' offer different readings. I like this one.

@ MARTIN:

under English rain Pistyll Rhaeadr disappears

Interesting contrast of the word 'english' and the welsh place name - historically that's packed with the idea of conflict : )
I like it.

I'm unsure if the horizontal line is the most appropriate form for the content though. There's a sense of the 'vertical' in the detail, so perhaps something like:

under English rain
Pistyll Rhaeadr
disappears

Or even:

under English rain Pistyll Rhaeadr
.... disappears

but without the ellipsis marks? Just using the space on the page to create a sense of absence?

And your 2nd one:

asleep the hours continue without me

I like this one too. It might be verging on aphorism... and that's something to be wary of when writing haiku... but I like the gentleness of it, the pace. And the horizontal is definitely the right 'form' for the content of this.

And your 3rd:

writing haiku in my land of insufficient snowfall

This one feels rather cryptic, and relying on metaphor to communicate what it wants to say, and while haiku can be multi-layered I think they should offer some immediate insight too.

But, I love this is a phrase or sentence. Very evocative.

@ EILEEN:

ruby earrings hang from the fuchsia basket

This is a precise line of description, and fuschia flowers do remind me of earrings, but I think haiku need to work on a literal level before they step into metaphor, and this presents the reader with metaphor immediately. So, for me, it directs the reader too explicitly - tells them what the poet has made of the scene, rather than offering an invitation to extract a meaning.

I hope you have more : )

Martin Cordrey said...

nothing remains of my school buildings but sand

white swans sail my grandfathers dockland waters

in my city tourists ask me for direction

[thank you for all your comments]

Lynne Rees said...

Hello, Martin:

nothing remains of my school buildings but sand

AND

in my city tourists ask me for direction

I think that both of these are too close to direct 'statement' and that the success of a one line haiku often comes from:

the more compressed syntax you'd associate with poetry
AND/OR
the bringing together of images that suggest ideas/meanings
AND/OR
the play of syntax that can be read in different ways.

But I do think they might be edited to create some fine 'phrases' with the right fragment.

AND:
white swans sail my grandfathers dockland waters

This works better, for me, as a one line haiku - the image 'sails' across the line, and the long vowels in 'father' and 'water' add to that effect.

One point: while we need to be aware of not over-using punctuation in haiku (full stops, commas, exclamations marks etc) I think that grammatical punctuation is necessary, so:
...grandfather's dockland waters

Mary Rose said...

Raindrops like tiny jewels sparkle on the web

Lu said...

Hi Lynne,

Thank you for the comment. "to", a grammar error. Would "with" work? Yes, one liner is tricky, I'll start from here. :)

spring rain the trees and grass all one green

mowing the lawn startled buzzing insects

Thanks as always.

Lu

Lynne Rees said...

Hello, Mary Rose.

Thanks for joining in.

Raindrops like tiny jewels sparkle on the web

It's a good idea to try and avoid simile in haiku, at least while learning the form. Simile explicitly directs the reader to make a connection, while haiku tries to direct the reader to make her own connections. So you can see how the two things work against each other.

But with a little edit/tweak:

rain sparkles on the web

You have a clean image. And if you added... let's say 'all day':

all day rain sparkles on the web

You'd have the play with either 'all day' followed by slight pause, or 'all day rain' followed by a slight pause.

This is because 'all day rain' is a 'kigo' or seasonal reference marker in japanese haiku, and an informed reader would notice that.

So the trick is ' keep it simple'.

Lynne Rees said...

Hello again, Lu:

Hmmm... I think it's still grammatically problematic if you use 'with' Yes, they are tricky little suckers!

RE:
spring rain the trees and grass all one green

I like this - and wondered about compressing it even more:

spring rain trees grass all one green

The 'pushing together' of all the nouns seems to emphasise the 'oneness' of the image. What do you think?

Although I think you could have fun with line break here too:

spring
rain trees grass all one
green

RE:
mowing the lawn startled buzzing insects

This feels split into two parts, so it might not be the best choice for a one liner... or the syntax needs to be tweaked somehow.

I'm sure that every now and then you'll find the right material for a one line haiku. Being asked to write them to order is difficult. But being aware of the possibilities and effects of the form means that we have that option in our consciousness as our writing progresses.

And it's a great feeling when we fall upon the right form when a poem resists taking shape, when we feel that reciprocity between form and content.

Mary Rose said...

Thank you Lynne for your thoughtful comments, always so valuable. I should have known better than to use simile and can see now the conflict it introduced!

sitting under the magnolia's shade cheating the scorching sun

Lynne Rees said...

Hello again, Mary Rose.

sitting under the magnolia's shade cheating the scorching sun

How about cutting off the first 2 words:

the magnolia's shade cheating the scorching sun

The human presence is implied and there's a beautiful contrast between the imagery.

I'll keep in touch with details about the online poetry course... just in case you're intersted.

Have a lovely summer. Hope you find lots of haiku : )